Back To Me

Life after a baby was nothing like I expected. Nothing anyone told me could have prepared me for the physical, emotional, and mental journey and changes I was embarking on. Some I understood. Most I didn't. And that was the scary part. I didn't understand what my body and my emotions were doing. I felt guilty because of the confusion - the unsettling spirit I possessed. 

Motherhood. 

The greatest gift there is. Sure there are sleepless nights and lots of learning and adjusting but nothing compares to the gift of your baby. 

That is true. 

But no one tells you about the full effect of the aftermath. The desire to find "you" again. The hunger for normalcy in your ever changing world. 

You wake up one day and you find out you're pregnant … and THAT is the day your life changes forever. Because that IS the day you become a mother. 

From that moment on you are nurturing and caring for this child. In your womb and then out of your womb. No more drinking, bad eating, “partying”, amongst other things.

No more. 

It feels like in an instant the you you knew is snatched away and you start evolving into this new person that you have no clue who they are. A mother. A caregiver. A breastfeed- er. A wife. A housewife. A stay at home mom. A teacher. A maid. A nurse. 

Everything but ... you. 

The young vibrant confident young woman you knew in an instant morphs into someone else the minute that pregnancy test comes out positive. You're forced to grow up. Make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. And now,  this baby. This baby is YOUR responsibility. And that comes first. From that moment on its hard to ever put yourself first.

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After I had my son Cairo in 2019, I remember having a strong desire to just get back to my normal self. The petite 110 pound vivacious social butterfly self. But little did I know how my world was about to change. 

12 weeks later, I was back in the office working full time and navigating being a new mommy. Two months following that my parents came to Virginia to live with me and my husband for what we didn’t know then would be a year. (A year!)

Three months later the entire world shut down due to the global pandemic, so then I became a work from home/stay at home mom with my parents under the same roof. All while planning my dream wedding- in the midst of the pandemic. Oh! And there’s more - literally weeks before the wedding I discover - I’m pregnant again!!!

My world was moving full speed and I literally had no time to get back to me! At this point I had no clue who I was. I was moving in auto pilot soaking in motherhood and being in mommy mode 24/7. No date nights. No vacations. Minimal friend outings due to the pandemic. Everything was new. And nothing was slowing down for me to mentally connect with this new normal. 

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We know that after a baby, your life becomes so engulfed in your little one. Your days are spent juggling breastfeeding, cleaning, cooking, managing schedules, teaching toddlers, etc and by night fall you’re so worn out from the day that you barely have an energy left for hubby, let alone yourself. Day after day your needs get put on the back burner as you wrestle with the daily demands of motherhood.

You’ve become lost in motherhood. Engulfed in being a wife that you have inevitably forgotten you. But in the back of your mind, all you truly want to do is get back to you. 

But what does that even mean. For the last two or three years I have struggled to understand what that means. Or what I want it to mean. Because the me I left behind can’t even reside here anymore. Life has taken a full turn and slowing down and turning back is not an option. So when I ask myself the question, how can I get back to me … I have to realize the better question is how can I find me. Redefine me. And step into this normal and accept that I am a whole new person. Yes of course parts of the old me still exist, but me as a mommy is different. My priorities have shifted. My daily routine has shifted. My desires have shifted. And that’s okay. That’s what I need. 

Everyday I learn more about the new me. My strengths. My capacity to love. To manage, to multi-task, to nurture, and take care of not just myself but an entire household and two beautiful babies. 

And as of now, this is me. I may not get back to the old me. But I am finding beauty in the new me.