Sitting In It

Right now I’m sitting in it. In motherhood. In being a wife. So I’m sorry if I’ve been estranged. If I haven’t reached out as much as I should. Phone calls and hang outs have lessened. And my nights consist of bedtime routines, cooking, cleaning, nursing, and quality time with my husband. Not that my friends and family are not a priority - but with ALL the changes I’ve recently undergone, right now I just want to sit in it. Embrace and adjust to it. I don’t want to miss a moment of this, and I just truly want to soak in the newness. 

I know this needs no explanation, but it’s beautiful to think about the transformation I’ve made and how I just enjoy basking in my new normal. 

Sometimes I forget I’m a newlywed. As my life has become engulfed in my newborn and toddler who need my attention fully. But I can never get these days back. And though there are moments I feel I’m mentally and physically crumbling, I know this is where I need to be. This is where I desire to be. 

Days are dedicated to my infant, literally always by my side. Evenings shift to managing a two year old and a 8 month old, ensuring everyone in the house is fed and bathed and comforted and put to bed. And then my focus shifts yet again to my husband. 

Everyone now and then I can sprinkle some me time in there. Give myself a relaxing epsom salt lavender bath and a facial, maybe even sip on some champagne - unless I’m way too exhausted to do anything at that point - which is frequently the case lol. But that’s okay too. Because this is my new normal and I’m sitting in it. I’m enjoying it. I need it.

I need the space to figure this out and embrace it fully. To love on my husband after a long evening and talk about our visions and binge watch shows. 

I need the space to try yet another daytime routine with my infant because now that maternity leave is over, work is just another thing I have to juggle. 

I need the space to nap when I can because all mommy’s of infants know sleep is scarce. It’s broken. Yet It’s needed to tackle another busy day of diapers, making meals, packing lunches, midnight feedings, and the list goes on. 

I need the space to figure me out again. And find my peace outside of the babies. Even outside of my husband. And though I truly desire girls trips and brunches - my wants have gotten pushed last on the list of daily demands. And once I’m done sitting in it - I’ll be sure they get pushed back up on the list. But with imminent goals, budgets, and financial plans to focus on - right now it feels like every hour of my day is planned and strategic and if I have a free moment - I just want to sleep. Lol. 

But my husband understands and he has let me embrace this ever changing version of myself. And my kids need me. And I desire to just dive head first in this motherhood thing. Into being a wife. With no regret. No time wasted. But just soaking in every. single. moment. 

I need the space to sit in it.

I WANT to sit in it.

Right here.

And that’s ok.