Maintaining the Romance After Kids
Ok, so I’m going to get really real with you guys this week.
Having a baby changes you. We know that. Mentally, emotionally, physically andddd sexually. Not only does your body need time to heal and recover after a baby - but add in sleepless nights, managing multiple kids, maintaining a household, work, and being all touched out - sex is sometimes last on our list ladies. And quite frankly, what I didn’t know after having a baby - sex is just DIFFERENT all together!
Some women experience vaginal dryness, penetration can be painful, and your libido is just super low! This all came as a shock to me and something I was obviously not used to AT ALL!
But…. it’s completely normal for both women anddd men’s libido to hit rock bottom during the first six to nine months following birth.
Decreased estrogen levels after childbirth may decrease your libido and lead to vaginal dryness which makes sex more painful. Breastfeeding moms are also producing a hormone called prolactin that stimulates milk production buttt can further decrease sexual desire as well.
Oxytocin is another hormone that breastfeeding moms produce that causes the milk letdown reflex. It’s produced more quickly than prolactin and is responsible for the milk ejection. This hormone increases relaxation, lowers stress and anxiety, and is the hormone involved in social relationships, binding, trust, and love.
So mamas, we are still getting our fair dose of the “love hormone” with our babies when breastfeeding.
I did my research 😉
But even aside from dealing with hormonal changes - mentally, sometimes we are just notttt there in that initial period after having a baby. Our minds are constantly on the kids. And for me, at the end of the night once the kids are in bed, all my energy is depleted and all I want to do is watch a show and SLEEP! Oh, and being “all touched out” is a thing! With the kids constantly on me ALL day, whether it’s my infant needing to breastfeed every 3 hours, my toddler just wanting to jump, lay, pull, and hug on mommy all day - by the time it’s my husbands turn I just do not want to be touched! My body sometimes doesn’t feel like my own, and when every hour of the day is spent catering to my kids - I don’t necessarily feel up to having another “task” at the end of the night.
And honestly my libido did plummet after my second (not so much after my first born) - but my body was still stimulated by the “love hormone” through breastfeeding - just not with my husband.
And though my sons are a major priority - my husband is too. So there were moments of guilt. Wishing I had more energy and desire to pick up our sex life - but it literally takes a conscious effort to make a change.
It truly is so easy to become so baby focused that you sadly do neglect your spouse. So make sure you keep your relationship a top priority.
Here are some tactics that worked for me when it came to bringing the romance and intimacy back after having our baby.
Don’t stop dating. Make time for your partner. Focus on your friendship. Don’t forget about their personal needs and their needs as your spouse. Get out the house and have a date night or create your own date night at home (and not just your everyday Netflix and chill) - actually do something romantic and special with your partner. Like a picnic on the floor or a candlelit dinner on the patio.
Dress up! Mamas, we tend to get veryyyy comfortable after a baby. The house becomes our refuge rightfully so. But we tend to walk around all day in pajamas or sweat pants. But put on that sexy lingerie. Wear a cute outfit so all hubby sees you in isn’t your lounge attire. Also, when we look good, we feel good!
Pray together. Keep God first. Communicate. Ask your spouse what they want/need. Ask them what you need to work on. Stay accountable. Staying connected spiritually and keeping God first and as our center is crucial in my marriage. Praying together brings about unity which is the cohesiveness you need to also stay intimate.
Stay intimate. A good sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and closeness. Remember, intimacy is more than just sex. It’s a mental and physical comfort. Emotional intimacy can lead to better sexual chemistry as well. But it doesn’t hurt to incorporate all types of physical intimacy (Massages, affectionate touching, cuddling are all ways to stay intimate.)
Take care of yourself first. This cannot be said enough. Sometimes as mamas we prioritize our personal needs last. We are taking care of the babies and the home that we tend to do the bare minimum for ourselves. Practice self care. Get sleep, pamper yourself sometimes, get a facial. You can’t take care of anyone else unless you’re whole yourself.
Try new things. Don’t be afraid to switch up and experiment a little. Inside and outside of the bedroom. Go to a new restaurant. Switch up your routine and get out of the house! Sometimes doing new activities can light that spark and get you excited about being with your partner. Step out of your comfort zone and try something different (😉). Separate sexual intimacy from your routine. Put on some lingerie and set the mood!
At the end of the day, sex and intimacy is an important part of a relationship and it will continue to take work to maintain it. So we should prioritize our sex lives and learning new ways to stay intimate. And of course, we each have to do what works best for us. Our partners have to be patient as we continue to deal with the changes that come mentally and sexually after we have our little ones. Sometimes they have to work and little harder - and ladies so do we. But it’s all normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It helped me to do more research and find productive ways to keep the romance alive. And also remembering to be patient with myself and my body - but nothing wrong with loving on my husband from time to time 😉
🤍J. Leigh
