Not “Just” a Mom
I was on the phone with my best friend one day, and before we hung up the phone he said, “remember, you’re not just a mom. You need to do things for you.”
And though I know he was coming from a good place when he said this, I at the time was not in a good place to receive it.
At the time I was probably 6 months postpartum with my second child. So right in the thick of breastfeeding, postpartum depression and adjusting to life with two kids. And all I could think of was, “right now, I JUST want to be a mom!” The demands were so taxing that the majority of my day consisted of “mom-ing” with my breasts literally on a 3 hour schedule - how could he think I had time to do anything else but MOM and sleep! I didn’t want to work, I didn’t want to socialize, I just wanted to sit in motherhood! I wanted to understand it, embrace it, perfect it to the best of my capabilities. And though it was hard at the time and I craved relief, the only thing on my mind was being a mommy.
As much as a spa day or brunch with girlfriends sounded appealing - the reality was, I just wasn’t there mentally yet. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t look like myself. So at least let me be a damn good mom! Lol!
Though we may want to jump back into the “old us”, motherhood in a sense does strip that away. Because I wasn’t the old Jenn. I was now, mommy. So in trying to understand that new dynamic, that new person, I also had to find what truly gave me joy outside of my kids again. It wasn’t sitting at a bar and socializing. It wasn’t endless sex with my husband (sex was way too painful)….
It was writing. Writing became my refuge. My release. In those moments of finding me again, and understanding that I’m not just a mom, writing was my solace. My happy place. Just as when I was a child writing short stories telling my second grade teacher I was going to be an author when I grew up.
It was those moments of reconnecting to me that I realized sometimes we really have to go back to our foundation and answer those difficult yet important questions like, “Who am I?!” “What makes me happy?” “What do I enjoy outside of motherhood?!”.
And I never thought I’d have to ask myself those questions or reconnect with myself in that way but as a new mommy I absolutely did. I had to understand that although motherhood was new and of course I wanted to master it (whatever that means lol), part of being a good mommy is being WHOLE! And being whole means realizing that there is more to J. Leigh than motherhood. There are layers. Passions. Desires. A whole separate person beyond my children.
But now, I get it.
Maybe telling a newly postpartum mommy that she’s not just a mom won’t go over too well. But moms do need to understand that yes being a mommy is a big role - it in fact is not our only role.
We are creators, wives, entrepreneurs, coordinators, friends, daughters, and so much more. The number of hats we potentially wear is limitless.
When you’re in the newborn fog - sometimes all we can see, think, and breathe is motherhood. But once things begin to mellow out, babies become toddlers and a little more independent, we can then truly begin to prioritize ourselves again. (And I mean more than just the weekly self care bath night we do for ourselves ladies.) But really allow ourselves to ponder on the question, who was I before I was mom.
I was J. Leigh. The workaholic, the poet, the social butterfly, the wife, etc. And it’s important to tap into those things that bring us joy outside of our family. To feel whole even if we’re not at home with our families. To find joy in our hobbies and our gifts and talents. To know that there are so many ways that we add value besides “just being a mom”.
No, we’re not “just a mom”! And even using that phrase bothers me a bit. Why do we use the word “just” - as if to undermine our contribution to society as simply raising kids. Rather, we are not only a mom, but we are also strong women who add to society and our homes in a variety of ways.
Yes, you are a mother.
But never “just”.
So, instead of being absolutely repulsed by the fact that my best friend didn’t understand the stage I was in, I had to realize there was truth behind it. Ladies, we are not and will never be JUST a mom. We will never be “JUST” anything. We are so much more.
But if you are pregnant or a new mommy in the midst of that inevitable identity crisis of learning mom you and understanding the you that you used to be will no longer co-exist, then here’s my advice to you:
Take your time! There’s no rush.
Write down what makes you happy
Schedule self care days / “you” days / hours - whatever you can get!
Schedule time for you and your spouse to date each other and connect intimately - whatever that looks like for you.
Let daddy step into being a dad without feeling like you HAVE to do everything because you’re MOM.
Be gentle with yourself - embrace your changes. Though we may mourn who we used to be before becoming a mom, understand that the change is beautiful and the shift is just what we probably needed.
If you find yourself struggling to accept the new you, don’t get discouraged because most moms do go through this! Talk to other moms, your spouse, or even professional help. Because at the end of the day, yes, you’re a mommy - but you are also so much more!
🤍 Simply J.Leigh
