Back to God
I’m over two years postpartum now, and last year I released “Back to Me” on the blog (be sure to read it if you missed it) where I shared how finally I was starting to feel more like myself again. We all know postpartum can hit hard, especially having two under two like I did, and moms are eager to get back to a sense of normalcy physically, mentally and emotionally. When I wrote that blog post - I thought things had finally taken a turn and I had gotten back to me… but then realized …
I was trying to get back to the wrong version of myself.
My pre-pregnancy self was broken. Though I was free, independent, social, etc… it wasn’t the best version of me. I had picked up bad habits, drinking more than I should, prideful, battled anxiety and so much more... and I needed to grow in many areas. But after I had my second baby I found myself searching for her. For the last “me” I remembered - not even realizing my postpartum healing journey wasn’t over. I wasn’t meant to go backwards but rather move forward and evolve into a new, more whole version of myself.
They say it takes a mom two years to fully heal after having a baby. Two years! And I can honestly say, year two postpartum has been beautiful. Now, I really do feel like myself. But not the broken, wild version of myself that I was pre-pregnancy…. I got back to ME. The truest almost authentic version of me before the world and my experiences tainted me. The me that was grounded, pure, and authentic. The me that God saw me as.
The thing about healing is that it’s continuous. Every day you learn old wounds as they resurface. And as you deepen your relationship with God he begins to allow all of those bad habits, insecurities, and flaws to fall off and be washed away. So instead of trying to get back to me, I finally listened when I heard God say, “Get back to me”!
Not that I ever left God - but let’s be honest we’ve all had periods where we had one foot in and one foot out. My entire life was not aligned to his will and his purpose for me. I was steadily chasing carnal desires, thinking I had it all figured out (our 20s can be so deceiving) but once God truly opens your eyes - there’s no turning back. God showed me the very thing I needed to see.
Me.
I prayed that I no longer desire those old things that no longer serve me. I prayed to be whole. To love better, to serve God better, to deepen my relationship with Him and that my life be aligned to His will. And when I say, you better know exactly what you’re praying for because God will do just that. But I feel so much clearer, and now I look back and think - why didn’t I understand this sooner.
But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - motherhood is the best thing that happened to me. It matured me, it made me more selfless, and it has made me understand that I am not in control. And once I relinquished that control and feeling like I had to be the one to figure it all out - once I truly surrendered to God - that is when I became more whole and felt a peace that truly passes all understanding.
I believe I will continue to unlock more of what God needs to show me in this season. As I’m no longer trying to get “back to me” - the lost, broken me - but I am now listening to the voice of God as he whispers, “Get back to me”.
🤍 Simply J. Leigh
